W Hotels

Laura: You’re a writer on Hacks, but you also had a memorable season 3 cameo. How did your turn as the bellhop Preon (what a name!) come about?

Pat: It was a lot of fun writing that episode because it was the first of season 3, and we had left off in season 2 with Deborah firing Ava and our lovely ladies at odds and apart. We knew we had to bring them back together. We had this idea of Deborah having a dress that no one would tell her was ugly because she was so popular now, and we wanted Ava to tell her at the hotel in Montreal. I can’t remember if it was me that suggested they call up a gay bellhop, but I remember pitching that Ava makes Deborah hide so he can’t see her at first. Because I am, legally speaking, a multihyphenate, whenever there is a gay role I sort of wonder if I will be considered. I had been up for a few roles in the past that didn’t end up working out, so I never get my hopes up. Then one day after work, the showrunners called me and essentially offered it. It was a lot of fun shooting because I’m friends with Hannah, and it was obviously a thrill to act against Jean. I was really nervous, which surprised me. There was a fair amount of improv in the scene. I don’t remember specifically what was scripted and what wasn’t, but I do remember improvising, “She tricked me,” which made it in.

Of all the odd jobs you might have worked over the years, what provided you the best material?

Probably retail. People are so crazy when they’re shopping. One time someone held up a pair of pants to me and said, “Excuse me—what do these do?” And I said, “Nothing…they’re just pants,” and she seemed annoyed.

When you were working on the scripts for the “Hotel Tales” series for W Hotels, did you start with the personalities of Chloë and Miranda, or did you draw from any personal experiences?

It was an interesting process because when I first started brainstorming, I didn’t know who the talent would be. Once I found out they were such iconic figures, I had a bit of back and forth with them when possible, and we found something fun that felt authentic to them.

Any gems from the “Hotel Tales” cutting-room floor?

Anything I pitched that wasn’t usable, I probably shouldn’t say in an interview. It would be too scandalizing for print, and this is a family publication.

What is one hotel room behavior that you rarely do anywhere else?

I have only ever worn a bathrobe in a hotel. It is a complete drag. I am not a bathrobe person. I simply wasn’t raised with them. They are so foreign to me. I can’t imagine the moment I would think, “OK, now time to put on my bathrobe before I get into my clothes.” But when I’m at a hotel, sometimes I will put one on, to be in costume as “someone at a hotel currently.”

What’s your dream minibar curation?

Minibars, like life, are all about peanut M&Ms.

You and Catherine Cohen cohost a podcast and sometimes travel together. Paint a fictional adjoining-room scenario: What are you stealing off each other’s room-service plates; what’s on each of your TVs?

I think we’re ordering a lot of fast food. I’m a morning person and Catherine is more of a night owl, so we’re in a huge fight about that. Recently on tour, Catherine wanted to have a drink at the hotel bar after the show and I went upstairs. The next morning we realized we had separately both ordered fast food from the same restaurant and eaten it alone in our room. When we had shows in Colorado, we fell in love with a local sandwich place called Snarfs and couldn’t stop saying, “Snarfs is special.” I think we’re lying in bed a lot, eating and watching reality TV.

What about if you shared adjoining rooms with Deborah Vance?

Deborah Vance would hate me. She would think I was a slob, and I would get on her nerves. She would respect my dedication to working out, though. Maybe we would hit up the hotel gym together, and I would lift while she ellipticalled to the point of near death. She would be disgusted by my nighttime routine / lack thereof. She would notice that I don’t wash my face and find it appalling. I also feel like she’s the kind of person who unpacks and puts everything in dressers while I’m living out of a suitcase. She would think I was an animal, but I would tell her I don’t care because she’s not real‚ she’s just made up.

It’s nice that hotels are increasingly health-minded.

I am pretty committed to maintaining my workout regimen when I travel. It used to be long runs outside, but now it’s more about lifting. It’s a huge plus if a hotel has a nice gym and I don’t have to find a local one to buy a day pass to.

What is your nightcap of choice—literal or figurative?

During Taylor Swift’s « 73 Questions » for Vogue, they asked her what her favorite food was, and she said, “If calories don’t count? Chicken fingers.” And I will similarly say that if calories don’t count, my nightcap of choice is a thick cheeseburger and fries (room service), a Diet Coke, and Bravo.

And what’s your ideal hotel morning routine, after you get that front desk wake-up call?

Right now I’m doing The Artist’s Way to rediscover my sense of identity. What do you think about that? I’m embarrassed of it but I’m leaning in. For that, I wake up every morning and immediately free-write three pages. I’ve done it before and have kept up pages by doing them later in the day, but now that I’m formally doing it again, I am making myself do them straight away. I always go to the gym in the morning because I don’t feel like I really wake up until I work out. After the gym, if I’m going to write, it has to be then—or else the day starts having its way with me and all is lost.

Let’s say you get a writer’s residency at a W Hotels property: What project would you want to make headway on?

I am writing a book and, chicly, I have intermittent bouts of terrible writer’s block. It’s a memoir in essays, so every time I send in pages I enter a hell wherein I have to think of three new essay ideas. At this time the fear of God is struck into me, and I am convinced I have no more stories worth telling, and I have had the last idea I will ever have. This is when I am most likely to let myself get pulled away from writing, because it’s too scary to be alone with nothing. I often fantasize about taking myself out of my life completely during these times so that nothing can distract me. I would work on the book at a residency because it seems to require deeper thought and more focus than TV or stand-up writing.

Where do you want to travel next?

I have never really been almost anywhere. I was broke my whole twenties, and when I started working in my thirties, I thought I would travel but I usually can’t because I have to work. This is the great irony of needing to make money. The next lull in work I have, I want to go everywhere. I want to go to the South of France. I want to travel to Ireland. I want to go to Japan. I want to go to Australia. I am close with my cousin and her husband who is from Kenya, and at some point I will go with them to visit his family.

If you could customize a door tag for your hotel room—akin to DO NOT DISTURB—what would yours say?

“Feel out the vibe. I probably don’t want you to come in, but there’s a chance I do. Don’t ask me though. Just feel the energy.”